Creating Safe Listening Spaces
for Couples, Partnerships, Families, & Communities
We all deserve to be seen and heard.
Whether you are a stressed-out parent, dealing with a recent job layoff, facing your marital issues, feeling ecstatic about a recent win, falling in love for the first time, or making space in your life for a new hobby...
It feels important to be known and felt.
Clear and honest communication was never modeled in my family of origin, therefore I have been on a humble quest to understand and learn how to be in healthy relationships. In my opinion, relationships and communication should be part of our education system.
I have been on the path of relationship (my whole life really!) but since my marriage with Colin began in 2008. Choosing a committed partnership early on in my life started me down a path of utilizing personal growth in a relationship as a path of awakening. One thing that I love about Colin is his commitment to growth and our dedication to self-study which has certainly been a highlight to our deepened friendship. Completing the first Principle-Based Partner Yoga teacher training with my teacher Elysabeth in 2009 allowed me to bring more of a yogic and embodied understanding of the realm of relationships into my life. With the birth of my daughter in 2014 growing my child attachment bond unearthed deep healing around my own childhood and relationships. Becoming a mother invited me to step more powerfully into my feminine, and has since initiated a deep healing journey and passion for the relationship between the masculine and feminine through sisterhood healing and healing my sexuality. Most recently and since 2016, on a quest towards more and more inclusion, I have been guided to deepen my study of relationships through authentic relating practices and have immersed myself in communities devoted to the art of safe listening spaces.
While my understanding, practice, and implementation of creating 'safe listening spaces' is far from perfect, I am a humble student committed to utilizing the path of relationship as a process of awakening. When I say this, I mean that through the mirror of intimacy, I am shown parts of myself that are in the shadows and when seen have the powerful impact of waking me up to places where I have been asleep, numb, or unintegrated.
Though my training with the Integral Center, T3 (Train the Trainer), and the C4 (Creating Connection through Conscious Connection) Institude, I have invested and devoted many many hours "being seen" and "seeing others" in the present moment. For me, this has been training ground for how I want to show up as a mother, partner, lover, daughter, and friend.
I can state that learning tools for deep listening have revolutionized my friendships and intimacy.
::::Some of my noticing ::::
Sharing my life with others seems to offer great meaning and depth.
True deep friendship can seem like a sweet balm when times are rough.
It is a true pleasure and a gift to offer my safe listening ear to those around me allowing for deeper intimacy.
When someone hears me and welcomes my experience, I feel like I have more space to expand.
Sharing my true presence and unconditional love, not wanting to fix others, brings an element of service to my life that is richly satisfying.
I am constantly in a relationship with myself and others. Having tools to support relationship seems super helpful for me to receive more nourishment and get my needs met in my partnerships, relationships, and family.
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More than ever, I feel passionate about creating safe listening spaces for people to share authentically what is real for them. For it is in the relationship to another that I can be mirrored and to me, this feels deeply rewarding and richly satisfying. Living alone and in a box with no human mirroring can seem interesting for the introverted part of myself, and eventually, I yearn for human connection and the aliveness that real friendship and support offers. Social distancing has only highlighted for me my need for healthy interconnectedness and how setting the context for having safe spaces to express myself has been deeply rewarding and healing. For me personally, social distancing has amplified everything in my life, including the parts of my relationships to myself and others that have not been working. My intention with sharing this information with you is to inspire your partnerships, relationships, and communities to create safe listening spaces for one another.
In my opinion, there are 5 essential keys and 2 simple practices that will support you in cultivating safe listening spaces. My suggestion is to start by slowly learning what the essential keys mean for you. Craft your own definition of each of the principles to create your own unique embodied understanding. Next, do the 2 practices as often as you are able. Practice deep listening to have the others in your life feel understood and seen.
Safe Listening Spaces
5 Essential Keys:
1. Presence - cutting out distractions, choosing to be in the moment here and now
2. Love - positive regard for the other, not needing to change or fix
3. Assume Less - inviting in the idea that we don’t actually know
4. Welcome More - radical acceptance of what is
5. Owning Our Experience - radical responsibility, only speaking what is true for you
*Release attachment to getting the essential keys perfect and simply hold them gently in your awareness and invite them as a way of being for yourself and others. From my experience, holding these keys lightly allows me to become more humble and dignified while I am in communication with another.
2 Practices:
1. Reflective Listening - staying back what we hear the other say
2. Sharing Impact - being willing to share what is present in us
Setting Context:
From my experience, creating a container can be a very profound way to create depth in your relationship. In the beginning, as you begin to make deep listening more a part of your way of being, it will be helpful specifically to set time and space for 'safe listening' in your relationships. For this, set a timer and suggest that you will do the safe listening practice from anywhere between 20 - 60 minutes
1. Pick one person to be the speaker and the other person/people to be the listeners
2. take a moment to arrive and settle with a few breaths
3. Represents the 4 Essential Keys. Describe them in your own unique understanding.
3. start your timer for your length of time you intend to share in this intentional way
4. SPEAKER - gives space for the speaker to share what wants to be known. Feel free to be spacious with allowing the speaker to really tap into what feels alive for them at the moment and/or around a specific topic.
4. LISTENER - as much as possible bring your presence to really hearing your speaker. Listen to each word without adding interpretations. Do allow yourself to feel the words from inside of yourself and how the words affect you.
5. Do the practices of reflective listening and sharing impact together.
listener = reflective listening & sharing impact.
5. Give space and move at your own pace.
6. Feel free to do this practice back and forth OR simply give space for one person to be the speaker for this session. You may wish to devote a different time and space to the second person being the speaker if that feels right. Trust your intuition with this process and listen to what is needed in your relationship. Again, we all deserve to be equally seen and heard.
7. Complete by closing in a natural way. You may want to recap what was shared briefly, offer a hug.kiss, or have some other way of naturally ending the intentional space you have created together.
THE PRACTICES DEFINED:
REFLECTIVE LISTENING = Listener repeat back exactly what you heard the other say. Do not add your interpretations.
- You can quote words that stood out to you or
- paraphrase what you heard the other say.
Again, resist the urge to add your interpretations as much as possible. You will have an opportunity to share yourself and your perspective when you share impact.
SHARING IMPACT = Listener notice how you feel as you are hearing the speaker with your full presence. Notice emotions, thoughts, images, insights, intuitions. Share what arises in you as you listen. As much as possible own your experience as you are sharing impact.
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I have a dream that men and women across the globe work together in harmony listening, supporting, honoring, and inspiring one another with open hearts and minds with honesty and respect. I envision a planet where we can honor differences and hold maturity and respond from grounded places when challenging topics arise. I am committed to the practice of creating safe listening places for everyone and I invite you on the journey. I hold in my heart that everyone deserves to be seen and heard and we have the power collectively to offer that space to one another.
"Emotional maturity means that your awareness operates even during the most profound emotional states." - Richard Rudd 36th Gene Key
